Learning to Dance Again Read online

  Julia giggled suddenly; her nerves getting the better of her.

  ‘You OK?’ he said, holding her shoulders and leaning back to look her in the face.

  ‘Is this mad, what we’re doing?’

  ‘Possibly; but we can stop now. It’s OK; I won’t take it the wrong way.’

  ‘I don’t want to stop. Do you?’

  ‘Obviously not. But if you change your mind, at any moment, just tell me. You can trust me Jules.’

  ‘I know I can. Maybe that’s why I want to do this. I need to do this!’

  ‘Need to do this? So you’re just using me then?’ Cameron grinned at her.

  ‘Do you have a problem with that, boy?’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Good, so why have you still got all your clothes on? Come on, take them off; let’s see what you’ve got.’

  Cameron laughed out loud and pushed Julia off his lap. She lifted up the sheet on the bed and climbed in, and then watched Cameron undo his shirt and take it off.

  ‘Not bad,’ she said, nodding her head as she appraised his body. Although she was teasing him, in actual fact he did have a nice body. She had seen it before when he had been swimming, but this time when she looked at him, she saw him in a different light. She had never slept with anyone other than Duncan before. She was nervous, but at the same time she felt exhilarated; so much so she began to wonder what Cameron had put in her coffee.

  Cameron sat on the edge of the bed and undid his shoelaces. He turned to look at her and she pulled the sheet up; an involuntary gesture of shyness. Cameron winked at her and then took his shoes and socks off and put them under a chair. He turned to face her and undid his belt and took off his jeans and draped them over the chair.

  He was wearing navy cotton-jersey boxer shorts that clung to the curve of his hips and buttocks. Julia realised she was staring at his body, so she looked up at his face. He grinned at her, not arrogantly, but confident in himself. He really was rather fine to look at, Julia thought as he climbed into the bed beside her. He pulled her towards him and she cuddled up to him, feeling a complicated mix of nervousness, guilt and the anticipation of pleasure. She thought of Duncan, and her resolve wavered a little.

  But then she felt Cameron half lifting, half guiding her to face him. She acquiesced and forgetting all about Duncan she found herself once more sitting astride Cameron. Within seconds he had removed her bra and before she had time to feel any further remorse he was fondling her breasts, teasing her nipples with his lips.

  It was as if he had flipped some invisible switch; suddenly Julia wanted to speed things up. She kissed him urgently, desperately, clinging to him, trying to hold back the moans of pure pleasure that threatened to erupt every time he moved his mouth or his hands to another erogenous zone on her body.

  The first time was unapologetically quick. Afterwards they lay in stunned silence, clinging to each other. Cameron stroked her back as she lay in his arms with her face half buried against his chest. Julia was scared to speak. She closed her eyes; dazed at how fast they had moved from friends to this. What was this anyway? Whatever it was, it felt good. It wasn’t just the physical release of tension either; it was the connection with another human being. She felt alive again.

  The second time, maybe half an hour later, they took their time. It was softer, gentler, sweeter, and in some ways more emotionally painful; at least for Julia. This time it was not just the crazy random act of hormones. It was deliberate, intentional and the deepening of a relationship. Julia lay in bed cuddled up to Cameron who appeared to have dozed off, and wondered whether she would live to regret this spontaneous seduction of her late husband’s best friend.

  She looked at her watch. It was now midday. So far it had been a memorable way to spend her birthday, and it wasn’t over yet. They were supposed to be going out somewhere for the day. Cameron opened his eyes and grinned at her. On the other hand, they could go out exploring Sicily tomorrow. Julia thought if she was going to end up beating herself up with guilt about this situation, then she may as well really do something to feel guilty about. She ran her hand down Cameron’s thigh, and then up again, and let her fingers linger. Cameron responded by pushing her back against the pillows and seconds later he was inside her again, echoing their first time. Julia had no objections.

  During her second shower of the day, Julia had a few moments alone to consider what she had done. She couldn’t decide whether it was because nobody else knew about them, or because it was simply a perfectly acceptable thing to indulge in, that she hadn’t felt any real sense of guilt; yet. She breathed a sigh of relief that she hadn’t had her birth control coil removed yet and refused to scold herself for not even raising the issue of safe sex with Cameron.

  Instead she thought about what it was like to kiss Cameron and was rewarded with the sensation of butterflies. She hadn’t felt like this in years. It was like being a teenager again and she decided to give herself permission not to feel guilty about what had happened.

  14

  From the morning of Julia’s birthday until Friday lunchtime, when Cameron flew back to Shetland, they spent the rest of their time together as if they were on honeymoon. They held hands when they finally ventured out to do some sightseeing. On Wednesday they drove to Mount Etna, where Cameron had planned to take her for her birthday. They made love on a picnic blanket on the lower slopes of the mountain, and watched the steam from the active volcano drifting over them. They talked endlessly about life and the universe, politics, religion, music, books and films. But they did not discuss how they felt about each other and they most certainly did not talk about the future.

  Julia watched Cameron disappear through the departure gates at the airport and felt a heavy sense of loss, mixed with the giddy thrill of a secret affair. She knew she would see him again in a few weeks; but it would never be the same again. This time together had been perfect, but Julia did not anticipate any future for themselves as a couple. She knew her sons would be horrified if they found out about Cameron. She hadn’t even risked telling Marianne yet; although she suspected she might give in to the impulse to talk about what had happened when she got back to Shetland.

  She had fielded all the calls and texts she had received on her birthday quite well; insinuating she was enjoying her holiday all on her own. Marianne had commented she seemed positively upbeat and had jokingly asked her whether she had hooked up with an Italian waiter.

  Julia had less than twenty four hours to go until Bryden and Anna would fly in. She walked out of the airport and crossed the forecourt to the car rental offices Cameron had hired his car from. She negotiated a two week rental on a Fiat 500 and when she was handed the keys she walked across to the car park and got into her new car with a confidence she could not have imagined a fortnight earlier. She hadn’t even bothered to rent a sat-nav. She started the engine and pulled out into the busy traffic.

  Julia parked the car on the driveway outside the villa and noticed Tony’s car was there. She had not seen him for an entire week, so she ran up the steps to his front door and rang the bell. He opened it a moment later and invited her in.

  ‘Sorry, I haven’t been around this week. Is everything alright with the villa?’

  ‘Yes of course. That’s not why I stopped by though. I just came to say hello.’

  ‘Oh well that’s lovely. I see you finally got around to hiring a car; good for you.’

  ‘Well, it’s all thanks to you. I drove home like a native Sicilian today.’

  Tony laughed. ‘I do hope not!’

  ‘Have you been anywhere exciting?’ Julia asked, as she followed him in to the kitchen. He indicated for her to take a seat as he went to the fridge to get some wine.

  ‘I had to dash up to Rome actually.’ He sighed, and turned to look at Julia, as if he was sizing up whether he could confide in her or not. He opened the bottle of Italian Chardonnay and poured two glasses. He pushed a glass towards Julia and then sat down across the large farmhouse style table f
rom her.

  ‘My daughter’s pregnant,’ he said quietly. ‘I will be a grandfather next year.’

  ‘You sound like that’s not good news.’

  ‘Well since she has just split up with her boyfriend, I really don’t think it is good news. Not that I’m being old fashioned. It’s just…’

  ‘It’s not what you wanted for her,’ Julia said, finishing his sentence as he gazed into the distance.

  ‘Not really no. She may not even get a chance to finish her degree before the baby is born. She has nowhere to live, other than to come back here; which is great for me but maybe not so good for her. Sicily doesn’t have much to offer the young; especially if they haven’t finished their studies and don’t have a trade.’

  ‘That’s a shame. Is she still in Rome now?’

  ‘Yes. She’s trying to complete her dissertation before the baby is due in March. But I wonder whether she will be able to. She’s so distraught about her boyfriend; and she’s missing her mother more than ever right now.’

  ‘I don’t blame her, poor lass. I remember when I was pregnant; the first person I wanted to share that with, other than Duncan obviously, was my mother.’

  Tony took a sip of wine and then looked Julia up and down.

  ‘There’s something different about you; what have you been doing while I’ve been away?’

  Julia felt her cheeks flush with embarrassment.

  ‘Um well actually, one of my friends from Shetland came over for a few days. He came to meet Jürgen to talk about architecture.’

  Tony looked puzzled for a moment and then appeared to remember.

  ‘Ah yes, the holiday resort project; so did your friend enjoy Sicily?’

  Julia giggled. ‘What he saw of it; yes I think so.’

  Tony raised an eyebrow.

  ‘Have I missed some scandal?’

  ‘Possibly.’ Julia took a sip of wine, but found it hard to swallow, with the Cheshire cat grin on her face.

  ‘Well good for you. I must say you do look a lot perkier than the last time I saw you.’

  Tony stood up and went over to the fridge and took out a foil covered dish.

  ‘Well, you really must stay for lunch and spill the beans.’ He lifted the foil lid and smiled. ‘Maria’s lasagne; I’ll just pop this in the oven.’

  Julia surprised herself by telling Tony all about Cameron. She had imagined having this conversation with Marianne, but unsurprisingly Tony’s own experiences of bereavement meant he understood Julia in a way that perhaps Marianne wouldn’t. He certainly understood Julia’s craving for affection and he also understood why she thought it would never develop into a proper relationship.

  ‘Take my advice my dear, treasure the memory of what happened and use it to keep you warm at night. But you should be careful of falling in love with someone while you’re still grieving. It’s not fair on you or him.’

  ‘You’re right. There were moments when I felt so confused; I had to stop myself from calling him Duncan. It was lovely, but I know I’ll feel guilty about it soon. I certainly don’t want my sons to find out.’

  ‘You mustn’t feel guilty. You’ve done nothing wrong; and neither has he. But rebound relationships are tricky; and more so when you’re rebounding from bereavement.’

  Later that afternoon, after a lovely lunch with Tony, Julia walked back to her villa. She unlocked the door and the first thing she saw was the vase of flowers on the dining table. It was the only evidence Cameron had been there. She went to what had originally been his room and stripped the bed so she could get it ready for Bryden and Anna’s arrival the next day.

  She lazed around on the veranda for the rest of the day and evening, feeling listless and deflated by the she climbed into her bed that night. She stretched out and inhaled. She could still smell Cameron’s presence. She decided she would need to change the bedding the next morning to remove all traces he was ever there. Her phone bleeped beside the bed.

  “Home safe. Just picked up Amy for the weekend. Hope you have a great time with Bryden x”

  Julia read the text and frowned. Apart from the little x there was nothing to suggest anything other than a platonic friendship existed between them. She decided Cameron must be as keen as she was to draw a line under what had happened. When she returned to Shetland it would be business as usual. She wasn’t sure whether to feel hurt or relieved.

  She tried to compose a text to Cameron but couldn’t think what to say or how to say it. She couldn’t make up her mind whether to be bright and cheerful, cool and distant, or to say what she actually felt. The bed felt lonely without him. But she couldn’t bring herself to tell him that. It would make it too real.

  Bryden sat down on one of the wooden loungers on the veranda. His shoulders were hunched over and he seemed to be staring at his feet, rather than at the very attractive view of the sea. He had not taken off the jacket he had been wearing on the plane, although he must surely be too warm in the late afternoon sun. Julia carried out a pitcher of iced lemonade and two glasses and set them down on the table between them. She went back to the kitchen and brought back some cakes. Bryden did not seem to notice.

  ‘Have you tried calling Anna?’

  ‘What’s the point,’ Bryden replied, more as a statement than a question. His shoulders tensed under the strain of making conversation. Julia was beginning to wish he had stayed at home. He clearly didn’t want to be in Sicily.

  ‘Darling, why don’t you tell me what happened? Maybe I can help.’

  Bryden sighed and unzipped his jacket. He struggled out of it and then dropped it on the floor, in a gesture that reminded Julia of Duncan. She picked up his jacket and set it down on a spare chair. She poured him a glass of lemonade and handed it to him. He took it, but did not say thank you.

  Julia resisted the temptation to scold him for his bad manners; but he was miserable enough as it was.

  Bryden took a sip of the drink and then put it down on the table. He shut his eyes, but it was not a relaxed pose. His fingers twitched on the arms of the lounger, and he crossed and uncrossed his legs.

  ‘I asked her to marry me.’

  ‘I see.’

  Julia’s heart sank in sympathy with her son, although she was secretly relieved Anna had obviously said no. They were both so young. It seemed such an unlikely thing for Bryden to do. He had only been going out with Anna for a few months, and she had not struck Julia as the settling down type. She was still at university, and would be for another year. Julia doubted the idea would have occurred to Bryden had it not been for Duncan’s death.

  ‘I’m such an idiot,’ Bryden said, standing up suddenly and then pausing as if he forgotten where he was going.

  Julia stood up and put her arms around him.

  ‘You’re not an idiot. Just because Anna isn’t ready to get married and settle down, doesn’t mean she didn’t appreciate being asked. It doesn’t have to be the end does it?’

  ‘We had a huge row about it. She changed her mind about coming on holiday with me, so yes, I think it does mean the end. And now I’ll have to find somewhere else to live.’

  Julia let go of Bryden and motioned for him to sit down.

  ‘Look, I was going to have this conversation with you and Jamie together. But maybe I should tell you now.’

  Bryden looked at Julia, frowning slightly. He sat down and then picked up his glass and took a long drink. Julia sat down next to him and leaned forward and held his hand.

  ‘I’m thinking of putting your granny’s house up for sale. The tenants that are in there now are moving out soon. I don’t really want the bother of renting it out again to anyone else, and I thought maybe it’s time to sell the house, and then divide the money between you and Jamie. You might be able to buy somewhere in Edinburgh.’

  ‘But I love that house!’

  ‘I know; but we have no use for it now. An old house like that needs someone living in it and lots of care and attention. It really could do with being modernised, b
ut it isn’t worth the investment at the moment.’

  ‘But what if me or Jamie want to move back to Shetland?’

  ‘Is that likely to happen any time soon?’

  Bryden shrugged, but he clearly didn’t think so.

  ‘With the money from the sale you would both have quite a nice deposit on a new place.’

  ‘I suppose so,’ he replied, without any enthusiasm.

  ‘Anyway, it was just an idea. I’m not going to do anything about it until after the New Year. I expect I’ll need to go in and get the place painted and tidied up first. We’ll talk about it with Jamie when we’re together again. I didn’t want to mention it the other day when I was in Edinburgh as he seemed a bit stressed out.’

  ‘So, what’s this place like then? Have you seen much of Sicily yet?’ Bryden said, as if he was keen to change the subject.

  ‘I’ve been to Palermo, Agrigento and Mount Etna. They were nice. I was thinking we could drive over to Messina tomorrow and get on the ferry to the mainland. What do you think?’

  ‘Drive to Italy? How far away is that?’

  ‘It’s just a thirty minute ferry crossing; a bit like going across to Whalsay, although I think the ferries are much bigger than we have in Shetland.’

  Bryden seemed to brighten up at the idea of travelling to the mainland. He ate one of the cakes Julia had put out and then decided he would take a dip in the swimming pool while Julia made dinner.

  Julia walked out to the swimming pool to find him. She found him sitting on the edge of the pool with his feet dangling in the water. He was looking down at the view of Cefalu.

  ‘This is a fabulous place.’

  ‘It is. Your father would have loved it here.’