Learning to Dance Again Read online

  ‘Really? I’ve been here for ten days already; it hasn’t changed at all.’

  ‘Well anyway.’

  ‘Could you just get this vase down for me first?’

  Cameron walked over and took the vase down from the shelf and set it down on the worktop. He closed the cupboard door and turned around, bumping into Julia; he put his hand on her arm as he moved out of her way.

  Julia felt the warmth of his touch, even after he had walked away. She picked up the vase and carried it to the sink to fill it with water. As the tap filled the heavy crystal vase Julia brushed her hand over the spot where Cameron had just touched her. She looked down and saw water was overflowing the vase already. She turned the tap off and emptied some of the surplus water from the vase and stood it on the draining board. She picked up the flowers, removed the cellophane and proceeded to arrange them. They were beautiful and she realised she hadn’t even said thank you to Cameron.

  She put the vase in the centre of the dining table then went to find Cameron. He was in his bedroom sitting on the bed fiddling with his phone. He looked up and smiled at her.

  ‘Thank you! The flowers are lovely. It was really sweet of you to go out and buy them.’

  ‘That’s OK. I just wanted you to have a nice birthday. I bought some more Prosecco; it’s in the fridge already, we can have it when we get back.’

  Julia leaned against the doorframe and stared at Cameron for a moment. She realised she was still wearing her wet swimsuit under her kaftan. She shifted uncomfortably, but was inexplicably reluctant to leave. She needed to get dressed, have some breakfast, get ready to go out, but she remained anchored to the door frame.

  ‘Everything alright Jules?’

  ‘Um, yeah.’ She turned to go, intending to get changed out of her wet costume.

  Cameron stood up suddenly and walked towards her.

  ‘I know what day it is today; six months to the day,’ he said quietly. He put his hands on her shoulder; a sympathetic gesture. She shut her eyes.

  ‘Hey, it’s OK, I don’t mind if you cry. Don’t feel you have to hold it all in. I know how you feel.’

  She felt him pull her into a tight embrace. She did not resist; but she did not cry. She wrapped her arms around him, her head against his chest. She could hear his heart thudding. She listened to its regular rhythm and savoured the warmth of his body against hers. She wanted to stand still and hold on to this warm and alive body.

  Cameron broke the spell at last.

  ‘You’re all wet!’

  Julia pulled away from him and laughed when she saw the dark wet imprint on his pale blue shirt.

  ‘I’m so sorry. I really should go and get dressed.’

  ‘I’ll go and make breakfast then.’

  Julia headed back to her room and shut the door behind her and leant against it, breathing deeply. She felt a little embarrassed at the unfamiliar intimacy with Cameron. She heard the radio switch on in the kitchen and heard Cameron began singing along with Ollie Murs. She had forgotten he could sing. She wondered if he realised she could hear him. He sounded cheerful and happy. It was a little infectious.

  She decided to take a shower to wash the chlorine out of her hair. She dressed quickly, putting on a sleeveless floral dress and her new sandals. She put a pair of plimsolls into a bag, along with a cardigan and a lightweight jacket. She quickly put on makeup and spritzed on some perfume.

  When she returned to the kitchen she found Cameron had set out a selection of Sicilian pastries, croissants and some freshly made coffee.

  ‘Did you buy those today as well?’

  ‘Yeah, I walked past this amazing bakery on the way back from the florist and I couldn’t resist them.’

  Cameron pulled out a chair for Julia.

  ‘Come on birthday girl, we’ve got some exploring to do, after breakfast.’

  Julia sat down and watched as Cameron poured her a cup of coffee.

  ‘I really appreciate this. I wasn’t looking forward to today, for obvious reasons. I mean who really wants to be turning fifty? And as for the other reason, well…’

  ‘You don’t look fifty that’s for sure. You look great Jules.’

  Julia took a bite out of an almond croissant, and then self-consciously checked to see if she had scattered crumbs all over herself.

  ‘Aren’t anniversaries strange? I mean, why should the fact he died exactly six months ago hurt more today than it did yesterday, or maybe will do tomorrow. It doesn’t make sense, and yet…’

  Cameron drank some of his coffee and then topped up his cup from the cafetiere.

  ‘It’s because as human beings we’re obsessed with time. We’ve broken down every element of our lives into years, months, weeks, days and hours and we constantly monitor our lives against the clock, racing towards mad self-imposed deadlines, trying to hold back time, trying to celebrate time,’ he paused, and gestured at the flowers, ‘and finally, wishing we could turn back time.’

  Julia put down her croissant and picked up her cup, but did not drink from it. She held it in her hands, thinking back to the last cup of coffee she had made for Duncan.

  ‘Well yes, I guess I wish I could turn back the clock. I wish I could have stopped him from going to work that day. Maybe it was too soon. I don’t know. I just wish…’

  ‘I know. So do I. But it wasn’t because he went back to work. It just happened. Nobody could have stopped it. I’m actually glad you weren’t there when he died.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Julia snapped.

  ‘Let’s face it Jules, you wouldn’t have been able to live with yourself when you couldn’t save him. You would have felt guilty for the rest of your life.’

  Julia thought about the post mortem report. It was true; Duncan could not have been saved even if his heart attack had happened in the cardiac unit of a world class hospital. And yet she still felt guilty she hadn’t been there to help him, to be there for him. She had witnessed so many deaths, held so many frail hands and stroked the hair on the heads of many elderly patients as they took their last breath. But she had not been there for Duncan. She had arrived at his side nearly two hours later. It was unforgiv

  able. But would she have felt worse if she had been there when it happened? She had no idea.

  Cameron walked over to the fridge and took out some juice and poured two glasses and brought them back to the table.

  ‘Shall I tell you about my fiftieth birthday? That was a bundle of laughs too.’

  Julia looked up and frowned. Her brain was completely scrambled and she couldn’t remember when Cameron’s birthday was. She had a feeling it coincided with a significant date.

  ‘St Patrick’s Day; we went over to Dublin remember?’ Cameron said, as he reached for a pastry.

  ‘Of course. I remember now. Duncan was really envious; he always wanted to go to Dublin for St Patrick’s Day.’

  Cameron took a bite out of the pastry and grinned with pleasure at the taste. He put it back on the plate and picked up a napkin to wipe a smudge of ricotta cheese from his finger.

  ‘So, anyway, there we were at the Merrion Hotel in Dublin; five star luxury, not too shabby! And I had managed to get tickets for the Six Nations game as well – Ireland v Scotland. I couldn’t have planned a better birthday if I tried. Amy was staying with John and Fiona, so we were all set to have a great time.’

  He took another sip of coffee and then nibbled at the edge of the pastry. Julia drank her juice and waited for him to continue.

  ‘Anyway, we arrived on the Friday night. We went out to dinner, and then for a drink in some raucous pub in Temple Bar. The next day we went sightseeing, did some shopping, went for another meal and drank more Guinness in yet more pubs. I was having a great time, but I could tell Laura didn’t want to be there. She said it was because she hated being away from Amy. But that wasn’t it. She’d been apart from Amy loads of times before; it was utter bollocks. And every time I went to the bathroom, or went to the bar she would be on her phone
checking for messages or texting someone. I asked her about it and she said she was just seeing how Amy was. In fact she even showed me a message she got from my brother saying what Amy had been doing that day.’

  Julia realised where this conversation was heading. She turned to give him her full attention, noticing his shirt was still slightly damp from where she had hugged him earlier.

  ‘I woke up on my birthday on the Sunday morning, with a bit of a hangover, so I was a little grumpy and out of sorts. I decided to order breakfast in the room, but Laura started whinging about the extra cost of it. It was expensive, but since I was paying and it was my birthday I really didn’t think she had the right to complain. We had a bit of an argument about it, and then I realised I was being a prat; so to try and calm things down I jokingly asked her where my present was. But she hadn’t bought me one yet. She claimed she was going to take me shopping later. I know it’s childish, but I was kind of upset about that. We had spent the whole of Saturday morning shopping in Grafton Street. Laura had spent a fortune on clothes for herself and Amy, and yet she hadn’t even thought about me.’

  Julia reached over and put her hand on his arm. He smiled and patted it.

  ‘I asked her when she thought she would have time to go shopping that day since we had planned to go to the rugby. She replied she didn’t really want to go to the match and that she would go shopping while I went to the game on my own. The fact the tickets had cost £120 each didn’t seem to matter to her.’

  ‘Jesus, what a bitch,’ Julia said, and then looked embarrassed for voicing her criticism. ‘Did she really not go with you then?’

  Cameron shook his head. ‘Oh, but it gets worse. Laura went to the bathroom and I noticed she had left her phone charging on the dresser. It was on silent, but it lit up when she received a text. I saw John’s name flash up on the phone and immediately I thought something might have happened to Amy so I picked up the phone and read the text. It wasn’t about Amy, and it didn’t make any sense to me. But Laura has one of those Smart phones that mean you can scroll through all the messages to and from a person in one thread. And that’s when I realised they were having an affair.’

  ‘Oh crumbs. So what did you do?’

  ‘I didn’t say anything to her about it. I just set off to the Aviva stadium on my own. I sat and watched Scotland get hammered by Ireland, and everyone around me must have thought I was taking the game too much to heart. Some jolly Irish man slapped me on the back and said “cheer up Jock, it’s only a game.” I think he caught me wiping away tears.’

  ‘Oh God, how awful. I didn’t realise it had all happened on your birthday. I’m so sorry.’

  ‘Well I didn’t tell anyone at first; and then of course just a few weeks later, Duncan… Anyway, after the match I went back to the hotel and found Laura had gone. She’d left me a note saying she had gone to the airport. I hadn’t told her I read her text messages, but she probably guessed since I had deleted every last one of them and then deleted John’s mobile number from her phone and blocked it, just for good measure. I spent that night sitting in the hotel bar getting wasted. Not the best day of my life I can assure you, let alone birthday.’

  Julia reached her hand out to stroke the velvet-soft petal of one of the white gerberas. She understood suddenly why Cameron had gone to so much trouble for her birthday. She turned to him and smiled sympathetically.

  ‘She’s a mad bitch to leave you. She’ll regret it, that’s for sure.’

  ‘I think she already does. John’s a moody bastard. And he’s offshore for three weeks at a time, so she’s on her own and bored out of her head while he’s away. Let’s face it Laura gets bored quicker than the average teenager. And when John comes home all he wants to do is sleep and do fuck-all. I think she’s fed up with him.’

  ‘Would you take her back; for Amy’s sake?’

  ‘No; not even for Amy. I don’t think I could ever trust her again. Maybe if it had been anyone other than my own brother. But Jesus, that’s sick. I lost my wife and my brother at the same time. Our whole family has been shattered by this; for what? Sex?’

  ‘How’s Amy getting along now?’

  ‘Strangely enough she seems to be doing OK. I think she’s too young to understand what’s going on.’

  ‘That’s a relief at least.’

  ‘Yes it is. Anyway, we can’t sit around moping and being miserable all day. Let’s go out and have some fun.’

  Julia stood up, having finished her breakfast, and carried her plate over to the sink. She turned round to see Cameron was staring at her, deep in thought.

  ‘Is that what you’re wearing?’

  ‘Um, well yes. Since I don’t know where you’re taking me I have no idea whether it’s appropriate or not. Maybe you could give me a clue. Scuba diving? Pony trekking? Mountaineering? You tell me and I’ll get changed.’

  Cameron laughed, but Julia noticed his face had twitched when she had said mountaineering. They were, after all, surrounded by mountains.

  Cameron scratched the back of his head and looked down at her feet.

  ‘The dress is probably fine, but do you have any other shoes you could wear?’

  ‘At the risk of sounding a bit lame, can I just point out a dress like this simply doesn’t go with walking boots? Shall I put jeans on?’

  He nodded his approval and Julia shook her head with mock exasperation. Cameron brought his plate and cup over to the sink. Julia was about to fill the sink to wash up.

  ‘Leave that. I’ll do the dishes; you get changed.’

  Julia turned away from the sink and collided with Cameron who was standing behind her.

  ‘Sorry,’ she said, automatically and tried to scoot past him. Cameron stepped out of her way, but as he did he touched her arm. She looked up at him and hesitated. She had known Cameron for as many years as she had known Duncan, and yet she had never been alone with him like this. He grinned at her, his blue eyes twinkling in amusement at her.

  ‘What?’ Julia said.

  ‘I feel like we’re playing hooky from school. Nobody knows where we are.’

  Julia laughed. ‘God, I would give anything to go back to those days. What great times we used to have.’

  ‘They’ll be good times again. For all the bad luck we’ve both had, we still have lots of things to be grateful for. Our kids, our friends – our health.’

  Julia smiled at him, acknowledging the truth in what he had said. She put her arms around him and hugged him. She had meant to pull away again and go off to get changed, but Cameron wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head.

  It was the second time that morning Cameron had held her in his arms. Julia inhaled the smell of coffee mingled with Prada eau de toilette. She had noticed the bottle in his room and had wondered what it had smelt like. And now she knew, she wanted to breathe it in and savour it. Cameron was taller than Duncan had been, broader too, so he felt alien to her, and yet he felt so alive and comforting. He also made her miss her husband more than ever. She craved the touch of another human; a man. The last six months had been the longest and loneliest of her life, despite the love and support she had received from friends and family. It was hard to admit to herself, what she really wanted would not be considered appropriate for a newly widowed woman.

  She realised with a jolt she had been holding on to Cameron for an excessively long time, given the platonic nature of their friendship. She also realised Cameron seemed in no hurry to let go. In fact when she shifted a fraction she could feel something rather less than platonic pressed against her abdomen. Cameron pulled away from her but the devil in her pulled him back.

  Cameron continued to cuddle her, but she could tell he was now rather nervous. His heartbeat had increased and his breathing was shallow. The muscles in his back and arms tensed.

  Julia took a deep breath; what she was about to do might destroy their friendship forever. It was insane. If she walked away right this minute there would be no harm done. It would jus
t have been a rather more extended version of a friendly hug, but nothing more. She could recover from this moment with her dignity intact if she let go of him.

  She could not let go. She pulled him closer; making it obvious she knew he was turned on. She lifted her face and stared into his eyes. He held her gaze, not smiling, but staring intently back, as if he was trying to gauge what was going on in her head.

  Julia reached up and touched his face. He still did not smile, but did not let go of her either. She ran her hand through his hair and then gently pulled his head towards her. Cameron finally gave himself permission to act on his instincts. His mouth met hers and they kissed. Julia shut her eyes, trying to control the adrenaline rush. Hands trembling, she held his face to hers and kissed him back, forgetting all about the last time he had drunkenly tried to kiss her before, which had resulted in sharp words.

  They pulled apart from each other. Julia opened her eyes and looked into his, trying to read his reaction. He smiled and kissed her again, this time with more intent. Julia had lost all sense of reason by now and she reached her hand down towards his waist. She hesitated for a moment, considering this was really crossing all lines of friendship now. There would be no return now. She reached for his belt buckle and started to undo it.

  Cameron pulled away sharply and frowned quizzically at her.

  ‘Are you sure Jules?’

  She nodded and then to underline this assertion she kissed him again. This time Cameron did not hold back. She felt the gentle tug of the zip of her dress inching its way down her back. Cameron pushed aside the shoulder of the dress and nuzzled against her bare skin. Julia decided she didn’t want to continue this in the kitchen, and at the risk of killing the moment she pulled Cameron towards her bedroom. She held her dress around her shoulders until they were inside her room, then she shut the door and let the dress fall to the floor.

  Cameron sat down on the edge of her bed and she walked towards him, inwardly stunned at her brazen behaviour. She kicked off her sandals and then sat astride him and kissed him, only half concentrating on the kiss, as she could now feel his hands undoing her bra. He seemed in no hurry though. She arched her back in pleasure as he stroked her bare skin. His hands were warm, travelling confidently around her body as if he had every right to do so.