Learning to Dance Again Read online

She was fast becoming someone she didn’t want to be; and if she couldn’t stand her own company, she wondered how soon it would be before her friends deserted her.

  Julia helped herself to a nip of whisky and a couple of ice-cubes and pushed her way out of the crowded kitchen. Seeing the lounge was equally full of loud and joyful people she turned on her heel and walked towards the back porch. The door was open and there was someone standing outside smoking. He looked at Julia and smiled.

  ‘You haven’t taken up the evil weed have you?’

  ‘No, it just a bit hot in the house; thought I could do with some fresh air.’

  ‘Fresh? Aye, it’s fresh alright. It’s Baltic!’ With that he dropped his cigarette on the ground and stamped on it and then hurried indoors.

  Julia was only wearing a thin chiffon blouse and she soon shivered, but was reluctant to go back to the party. She stepped back into the porch and unhooked a jacket from the coat rack. She knew Marianne wouldn’t mind if she borrowed it.

  She zipped up the jacket, then picked up her whisky glass from the window ledge and leaned against the wall and stared up at the sky. It was only mid-September, but whilst the rest of the UK seemed to be enjoying a last minute resurgence of summer, it could easily have been mid-winter in Shetland. The strong northerly breeze made Julia’s eyes water and she walked around the side of the house until she found shelter and a garden bench. She sat beneath the kitchen window and sipped her whisky.

  The window was ajar and gossip mixed with music filtered out. Julia thought about going to sit somewhere quieter as she found the laughter and high spirits oppressive. When she heard someone say her name she leaned against the wall, with her head cocked to one side, listening.

  ‘I think she went back to the lounge, why?’ Marianne replied to someone, whose voice Julia couldn’t recognise immediately.

  ‘I’m surprised she came to your party. She’s really miserable isn’t she?’

  ‘Wouldn’t you be?’

  ‘Yeah, but we all thought he was going to die from cancer anyway; surely she should be grateful they got another few months together.’

  ‘Are you serious?’ Marianne snapped.

  ‘OK, but he really shouldn’t have gone back to school when he did. I hear the lassie who tried to save his life has been traumatised by it.’

  ‘How was anyone to know he was going to have a heart attack? It could happen to anyone, anytime. You can’t not go back to work just because of that; Jesus, none of us would be working at all.’

  Julia heard Marianne’s voice fade away as if she had stormed out of the kitchen.

  ‘You’re a fucking idiot Paula, fancy saying that to Julia’s best friend?’

  ‘What? I’m just saying Duncan shouldn’t have gone back to work so soon; maybe he’d still be here if he’d taken it easier.’

  ‘Maybe so, but that’s not Julia’s fault; you could be a bit more sympathetic. How would you feel if something like that happened to you?’

  ‘Pleased as punch; I’d be raking in the life insurance and jetting off somewhere hot.’

  ‘Oi! I heard that,’ a male voice joined in.

  ‘Sorry dearest.’

  The kitchen filled with laughter.

  ‘It’s getting a bit cold in here, anyone mind if I close this window now?’

  Julia looked up and saw a female hand reaching up to the window, bracelets jangling merrily as she pulled it closed. The sounds coming from inside were instantly muffled. Julia stood up and headed towards the back door. She intended to go home. She lifted up the empty whisky glass and calculated how many units she had drunk. One small glass of Champagne and one whisky; she thought she would be alright to drive home.

  She was about to go inside the house when Cameron appeared in the door frame; he stood back to let her in.

  ‘Marianne was looking for you just now. Are you OK?’

  Julia stepped back outside and stood with her back to the wind and looked up at Duncan’s best friend.

  ‘Not really. I was just about to go home. It wasn’t a good idea coming out tonight.’

  Julia looked down at her feet; she had her arms wrapped tightly around her body, with one hand clutching the empty glass.

  ‘Early days eh? Tell me about it!’

  Julia shrugged, but did not look up.

  ‘I nearly didn’t come either, to tell you the truth. I need a party like a hole in the head. But you can’t turn Marianne down can you?’

  Julia looked up and smiled.

  ‘No, you really can’t. You can tell her till your blue in the face you don’t want to do something, but somehow she gets her way.’

  ‘Ah well, it was nice to see you. I miss that idiot of a husband of yours,’ Cameron said quietly. He leaned forward and put his hand on her shoulder.

  ‘Me too!’

  Julia turned away slightly and the cold wind slapped into her face, drawing tears to her eyes.

  Cameron pulled her towards him and wrapped his arms around her and hugged her.

  ‘It will get better. One day. It has to; you’ll see.’

  He let go of her and Julia moved away, not sure whether to feel comforted or embarrassed by his affection. She wanted to change the subject though.

  ‘So, how are you getting on? I was sorry to hear about you and Laura.’

  Cameron laughed caustically. He leaned against the wall of the house, as if he suddenly needed the support. He was a giant of a man, but now he reminded Julia of a small unhappy boy who was trying to put on a brave face.

  ‘Well I could cheerfully kill my brother, but otherwise…’

  ‘That bad eh?’

  ‘I just can’t believe it, can you? You’d think you could trust your own brother, even if you couldn’t trust your wife? And now they’re both living in my house – the house I built – and I’m back living in my mum’s old house. And my poor old mum’s not even there now; God bless her, so I rattle around on my own going nuts. It’s not fair.’

  ‘No, it’s not fair. Why don’t you just sell your house and move on, both of you?’

  ‘Amy would be heartbroken if she had to move. It’s bad enough her mum and dad have split up; and I don’t know how she’s getting on with her Uncle John as her new “dad”. How does a five year old process that?’ Cameron ran a hand through his hair and paused for a moment. ‘I just think it would be better if we left it a while. Laura’s not in a hurry to move, that’s for sure.’

  ‘I can’t imagine she would be; it’s a lovely house. What about John’s wife? How’s she getting on?’

  ‘Well wouldn’t you know it, but Fiona’s started seeing someone else now. So everyone’s all fine and dandy, except me. The great big fucking mug that I am.’

  ‘No you’re not. Don’t be silly. These things happen; you know that yourself.’

  Cameron stood up straight suddenly, casting a shadow over Julia as he blocked out the light from the porch.

  ‘So you think this is divine retribution for my earlier mistakes?’

  ‘I don’t think the world works that way actually. But you did do your own share of breaking hearts years ago.’

  ‘So I deserve it?’

  ‘No, of course you don’t.’

  Julia watched as the anger receded a little from his face. She smiled at him, and put her hand on his arm.

  ‘We’ll both be fine. Give it time. But’s it’s cold outside; I’m going in to find Marianne to say goodbye.’

  Julia took off Marianne’s jacket and hung it on the rack and walked down the hall. She paused by the kitchen door and reached in and put her glass down on the counter and walked away without looking at anyone. She headed for the lounge and found Marianne dancing with her husband. Their two teenage daughters were sitting on the sofa, holding cushions over their faces and giggling with embarrassment.

  The song finished and Brian kissed Marianne which made their daughters scream and hurl the cushions at them.

  Julia laughed and picked up the cushions that had landed a
t her feet. She carried them over to the sofa and sat down between Sophie and Isobel.

  Sophie leaned against Julia and put her arm around her.

  ‘How’s it going Auntie Jules?’

  ‘Not so bad. How are you two enjoying the party?

  ‘It would be better if mam and dad would stop behaving like idiots. They’re so gross.’

  Julia looked up at Marianne who was still standing in the middle of the room cuddling her husband.

  ‘Would you rather they didn’t get on with each other?’ Julia asked Sophie.

  ‘No, of course not. Just wish they wouldn’t do that in public.’

  ‘Change the music then, put on something less smoochie.’

  Isobel leapt up from the sofa and ran to the iPod docking station and a moment later the music changed to something young and funky. Marianne and Brian grinned at each other and proceeded to dance to the music in an exaggeration of how people might dance at a rave; which drew howls of protest from their daughters. Sophie and Isobel left the room in a hurry.

  Marianne stopped her manic jigging around on the dance floor and turned down the music a little.

  ‘That’s better,’ she said, as she sat next to Julia. ‘We won’t see those little minxes again for a while.’

  ‘We would have been embarrassed by our parents if they’d been cavorting about, dancing and kissing.’

  ‘Of course we would!’ Marianne replied, giggling mischievously. ‘Anyway, where have you been hiding? I thought you’d gone home.’

  ‘I went outside for a bit of fresh air. I was talking to Cameron.’

  ‘Ah, misery likes company eh?’

  Julia laughed. ‘Something like that yeah.’

  ‘Poor love! I do feel sorry for him, although I expect his first wife is laughing fit to burst.’

  ‘I don’t doubt it. I’m surprised she hasn’t come back to Shetland just for a gloat.’

  ‘Well, she was a stuck up bitch anyhow. And he’s definitely a changed man now, especially after Amy came along.’

  ‘So he should be. You can’t run around like a young man staying out drinking and clubbing at our age.’

  ‘Bet George Clooney does,’ Marianne said.

  ‘Cameron isn’t George Clooney.’

  ‘He is kind of nice looking though, don’t you think?’

  At that moment Cameron walked into the room doing up his coat. His head was bent forward, revealing a slightly thinning patch of hair that was only just starting to grey. He normally wore his dark brown hair really short, but he had clearly neglected to visit the barber for a while. His face looked a little tired, but underneath the sadness remained the good bone structure, clear skin and deep blue eyes that had given him the edge over many men, back when they were all young.

  Marianne jumped up suddenly and grabbed hold of Cameron.

  ‘For God’s sake man, it’s not even ten. Where do you think you’re going so early? Take that coat off and dance with me.’

  Marianne wrestled with Cameron and undid his jacket again.

  ‘I don’t really feel up to partying at the moment.’

  ‘Of course not; we’re all too old to party aren’t we? We should just put on our slippers and go and get some Horlicks.’ Marianne said, as she tugged his jacket off.

  Cameron grinned at her and then looked over at Julia and shrugged, as if to say, “see what I mean.”

  Julia smiled in response and made herself comfortable on the sofa. She could see her bolt for freedom would be similarly thwarted by Marianne.

  After a few minutes Cameron managed to escape from Marianne and he flopped down next to Julia.

  ‘I thought you were leaving,’ he said.

  ‘I thought you were too.’

  ‘I did try.’

  ‘We’ll make a dash for it when her back’s turned. It’s Marianne remember; she’ll be after a drink any time now.’

  As if she had heard Julia, Marianne stopped dancing and started hunting around the coffee tables and sideboard for her glass. Then she left the room and headed for the kitchen.

  ‘Told you!’ Julia said, although she didn’t make a move to get up and go.

  ‘Would you like another drink before you go?’ Cameron asked.

  ‘I don’t know; if I have another, then I really can’t drive home.’

  ‘We can share a taxi.’

  ‘You live in the opposite direction.’

  Cameron shrugged and stood up.

  ‘Oh all right then, I’ll have a whisky with ice.’ Julia sighed, knowing she had just committed herself to staying for the duration of the party, which could go on all night if Marianne had her way. Julia could always disappear upstairs to the spare room of course, which Marianne had reserved for her in case she stayed over, but there would be little chance of getting any sleep until the party was over.

  Julia stood up and decided to go in search of Cameron and change her drink from whisky to lemonade. She wanted to keep her options open. She found him standing by the fridge using the ice-dispenser.

  ‘Oh good, you haven’t poured me a whisky yet. I think I might go for a soft drink instead.’

  Cameron turned and picked up a glass that contained whisky and ice.

  ‘I already got yours. This is for Paula.’

  He handed Julia her drink and then turned and passed the tumbler full of ice to Paula who sparkled at him flirtatiously. Paula caught sight of Julia and her smile vanished. She dropped her head to one side with elaborate sympathy.

  ‘How are you Julia? This must be so difficult for you?’

  Julia resisted the urge to slap her.

  ‘It’s not difficult at all. I’m just going to rake in the insurance money and jet off somewhere hot and sunny.’

  Before Paula could reply Julia turned and rushed back to the lounge and sat down, her face flushed with anger. Cameron sat down next to her a moment later.

  ‘What was all that about?’

  ‘I heard her talking about me while I was outside. Two faced bitch!’

  ‘Is that why you wanted to go home?’

  Julia nodded and took a large sip of whisky.

  ‘Well I’m glad you’re still here. We can be miserable together; with alcohol. What’s not to like?’

  They sat and talked; about Duncan, their kids, marriages, careers and life in general. Occasionally someone else would come over and join in. Marianne cracked open some more Champagne and kept the drinks flowing. Before too long Julia started to feel a little woozy. She stood up to go to the bathroom, and swayed. Cameron took her arm and she giggled like a school girl.

  ‘I think I’d better stop drinking,’ she said.

  ‘I must be getting old; all I can think of is having a nice cup of tea,’ he replied.

  Julia roared with laughter.

  ‘Me too! Go and put the kettle on while I nip upstairs to the loo.’

  When she came downstairs she went to the kitchen and found Cameron making tea. There was still a hard core of party animals in the kitchen. Brian was standing by the sink and he grinned at Julia.

  ‘Are you moving on to the hard stuff now?’

  ‘It was Cameron’s idea to make tea, but I’m desperate for a cuppa now. All that whisky makes you thirsty.’

  Cameron handed Julia a mug.

  ‘White no sugar, right?’

  ‘You know me well!’

  Julia turned to leave the kitchen but not before she saw Paula nudging one of her friends and sneering in her direction. As the music paused she heard Paula say, ‘…she’s moving on quickly…’

  Julia carried her tea into the lounge and sat down again, this time next to Marianne’s sister, Charlotte, and started chatting to her. Julia felt exhausted suddenly; the tea was not having the desired effect. When Charlotte got up to get another drink, Julia stood up and wandered out to the kitchen to put her mug into the dishwasher. She saw Paula and her husband were putting their coats on and saying goodbye to people. She turned and walked back into the hall and crashed into
Cameron.

  ‘There’s a taxi outside. It’s not for you is it?’ Cameron said.

  ‘No, but I really want to leave; I’m exhausted.’

  ‘Let’s go then shall we?’

  Julia grinned. She grabbed her coat and handbag from the rack by the front door and ran outside. Cameron hurried after her.

  Julia opened the rear door of the car and jumped in.

  ‘Hi Julia, I thought I was picking Paula and Dave up,’ the driver said.

  ‘Oh they’re not ready yet, if you call them another taxi it will be fine.’

  Cameron climbed in beside Julia.

  As the car pulled out of Marianne’s drive Julia looked back and saw Paula open the front door and raise her hand to call back the taxi. Julia couldn’t resist waving at her.

  ‘Well that’s blown it. Paula’s going to be furious with me now,’ Julia whispered.

  ‘Serves her right,’ Cameron replied.

  Julia reached into her handbag and took out her phone and started writing a text to Marianne.

  “Sorry I did a Cinderella on your party. Fit for nothing but my bed now. It was a great evening! Xx”

  8

  Julia went indoors, slipping off her high heels as soon as she closed the front door. She hurried upstairs to her bedroom and undressed quickly. Despite being exhausted, and it being long after midnight, she decided to take a bath. She poured a generous measure of Jo Malone’s wild fig and cassis bath oil under the hot tap, lit the matching scented candle and then switched the light off. The candle flickered, and she stood watching the bath fill up, breathing in the scented oil; last year’s Christmas present from Duncan.

  The bathroom filled with the sweet perfume and warm steam. It should have been comforting, but Julia felt a renewed sense of grief, ably assisted by too much whisky and Champagne. She felt like her heart would break. She sank beneath the water and sulked, not caring the bath oil would make her hair greasy.

  She surfaced again; breathless. She was wide awake now; having a bath never seemed to have the desired soporific effect on her.

  She sat on the bed wrapped in a towel and switched on the television. As usual for a Saturday night/Sunday morning, there was nothing of interest to watch. She scrolled through the Sky+ menu looking for something she had recorded and not got around to watching. She came across the holiday programme she had watched with Duncan the night before he died. She pressed play as she rubbed her hair dry and then dropped the towel on the floor beside the bed, in the same way Duncan used to do. As she climbed under the duvet, Sicily came to life on the screen.